Monday, September 3, 2007

All right, so I don't claim to be the smartest person the Third Rock has spawned. But really, I've seen this done before.... with success.... and without pain....

The beginning? Okay. Yesterday, the planets aligned, the clouds parted, the air was just right, and I had the day off.... all at the same time. I was actually able to bring down the jungle.. er,, mow my lawn. I have a decent push mower (cleaner cut) with a bag on the back, and things were going so well. A swath of freshly mown lawn was waking behind me, the see of waving green was in front of me, awaiting it's demise, audiobook was unfolding from my iPod/phone. Now, I usually lift the seat from the yard swing and set it on the part I've completed so I can get to the grass beneath it, but yesterday I was feeling just a bit lazy so I simply pushed the mower under the swing, pushing it back. The air beneath the swing bloomed brown..... buzzing brown.... seems a fresh wasp's next was nestled snugly on the underside of the swing. Thank god for laziness. That one little piece of the lawn was going to have to wait.

Fast forward to today. Rummaging beneath he kitchen sink, I found my weapon of choice. You see, I love sitting on that swing in the cool evening, and I wasn't letting a bunch of insects take it over solely on the virtue of possessing sharp weapons strapped to their butts. The can said "Kills on contact" and "27 ft stream". I've seen my friend use this very formula when persuading hornets to shed the earthly coil when we were moving his hot tub. No kidding, the beasties fell in mid-flight when struck by the oily poison. I was confident. I was cocky. I was wrong.

Kneeling low so I could see the mass crawling over their nest, I took aim and fired... seems it was just enough to piss them off. Moving back across the lawn quickly, I was still under the delusion they would fall from the sky,,,,any minute now.... and one of the bastards snuck in behind me and impaled my arm. This brought reality into focus. These things were strategically surrounding my dumb ass. Luckily, my flash of innocence (and stupidity) was short-lived. I raced to the door and got inside before any others could find flesh. Thus began the day-long stand-off. The swing is within 27 feet of the door, so the day progressed with me waiting for the fervor to die down, then I would crack open the storm door and fire another volley of poison, quickly closing the door. I admit it; I took great pleasure watching the infuriated insects slam against the glass of the storm door in attempt to get to me. Does this make me bad?

Oh well, who cares. Their all dead now..... I hope.